The 90-Second Rule: What It Really Means for Your Emotions and Your Relationship

You may have heard that emotions only last 90 seconds. That can sound unrealistic—especially during conflict. So what does this idea actually mean?

What is the 90-second rule?

The concept comes from neuroscience research showing that when something emotionally triggering happens, the body releases stress chemicals like adrenaline and cortisol. This initial emotional surge lasts about 60–90 seconds.

After that, the body can begin to calm—if nothing continues to re-trigger it.

Why emotions feel longer than 90 seconds

Emotions often last longer because the mind keeps the body activated. Replaying the event, assigning meaning, or predicting what it says about the relationship can restart the stress response.

The emotion isn’t lasting longer—the nervous system is being re-activated.

What the 90-second rule does NOT mean

This does not mean you should:

• “Get over” feelings quickly

• Ignore strong emotions

• Rush problem-solving

Emotions carry important information. Regulation helps us access that information without escalating conflict.

Why this matters in relationships

When couples are emotionally flooded:

• Listening and empathy decrease

• Misunderstandings increase

• Conflict escalates quickly

Trying to resolve issues while flooded rarely works. Timing matters.

ADHD and emotional regulation in couples

In ADHD relationships, emotional recovery can take longer due to:

• Faster emotional spikes

• Difficulty disengaging from triggers

• Repeated mental replay

This is neurological—not a lack of effort or care.

How to use the 90-second rule

Instead of pushing for resolution:

• Pause the conversation

• Regulate the body first (breathing, movement, time-limited breaks)

• Return to the issue once both partners are calmer

Many couples find the problem feels very different after nervous systems settle.

The takeaway

Emotions move quickly. Stories keep them going.

Learning to pause before reacting helps couples stay connected—even during hard moments.

If emotional flooding is common in your relationship, couples therapy can help you build these skills together.

Want to work with someone who understands both ADHD and the complexity of relationships?

If you’re looking for a therapist who can integrate neurobiology, relational theory, trauma understanding, and practical strategies—so you can finally break out of the patterns holding you back—I’d love to support you. Schedule a consultation and let’s create a plan tailored to your relationship, your family, and your brain.

Reach out: charlotte@charlottenadler.com